Drink the X-Men
20. Cyclops

Remember that time Scott Summers was a compelling character? No, us neither. Although you certainly can’t argue that Scott isn’t interesting - after all, it’s completely fascinating that a dude so totally lacking in leadership skills and charisma is the de facto leader of the X-Men and has managed to pull arguably the most powerful lady in the Marvel U, and Emma Motherfucking Frost. You could argue that he’s just a self-insert for male writers, but if you were going to write yourself into a comic, why the fuck would you pick this douchenozzle?

The internet tells us Mister Sinister thinks that Cyclops has amazing jeans or something, but they just looks like ordinary X-pants to us.

Cyclops
Ingredients
cranberry juice

1. Open fridge
2. Pull out carton of cranberry juice
3. Take gulp straight from carton
4. Seriously, though, why would you want to drink something named after this dude, you need to take a good hard look at yourself and your choices.

Shadowcat

We could write something long and hilarious and pointed about Kitty, making reference to being one of Wolverine’s adoptees, her teenage crush on an older dude, the fact that she has an alien dragon as her own wee sidekick, and her sacrifice of her own tangibility in order to save the world, but instead we thought we’d lead with a far more relevant quip from the great She-Hulk:

Tee-hee.

Shadowcat
Ingredients:
2 1/2 oz. chilled coffee (black or white as preferred)
1 1/2 oz. whiskey
Sugar

Mix together coffee and whiskey, and add sugar to taste. Pour over ice in a long glass. For extra decadence, top with whipped cream. Drink until your hand appears to pass through the glass when you reach for it.

18. Dust

If there’s one thing we Marvel fans can be proud of, it’s that Marvel is lightyears ahead of DC when it comes to a genuinely diverse cast of characters, with a large number of well known characters of different genders, races, religions, classes, and sexualities. I mean, OK, the straight white cis-gendered dude Deadpool has about 25 different titles at the moment, and the straight white cis-gendered dude Wolverine has 38, and the most popular solo titles are similarly straight, white, cis-gendered and dudely, and it’s incredibly hard for women characters and characters of colour and queer characters to even get a mini, much less an actual solo ongoing and

you know what shut up and drink your goddamn tea

Dust (traditional Afghan tea)
Ingredients
1 cup milk
2-2.5 whole green cardamom pods
1-2 teaspoons green tea (1-2 tea bags)
1.5-2 teaspoons sugar
ground cinnamon

1. Gently ‘bruise’ the cardamon by smacking with a rolling pin to open the husk up a little.
2. Place the cardamon, milk & tea bags in a pan & slowly simmer for 5 minutes.
3. Remove from heat, mix in sugar & pour into cups to serve.
4. Dust (lol) the tea with the cinnamon

OR BE A LOSER AND JUST GET GREEN CHAI TEABAGS GOD

This blog is so flawless I can't even stand it.

What can we say? We’re the best at what we do.

17. Quicksilver

Look, if you’d been recruited to the Brotherhood of Evil with your twin sister after she’d accidentally burned down a house, then realised you were actually that evil and joined the Avengers instead, then freaked out when she was shot and joined the Brotherhood again, then realised that Magento was truly evil and left him again, and then your sister kidnapped to another dimension, then joined the Avengers again, then married an elemental manipulator, then found out your sister was in love with a robot, then had a daughter, then found out Magneto was your father the whole time, then found out your wife was in love with someone else, then found out you weren’t actually a speedster after all, then convinced your sister to complete distort reality, then been killed by your own father, then been revived again, then lost your powers, then regained them, then lost them, then regained them, then decided to become a hero, then lost your daughter’s respect, then found out your sister was a doom-bot, then been blackmailed by one of your own students… you’d have issues too, OK?

Quicksilver

Ingredients

  • 1 1/2 oz. Triple Sec 
  • 1 1/2 oz. Anisette 
  • 1 1/2 oz. tequila

Mix all ingredients as quickly as you can then pour over ice into a long thin glass in another dimension. Drink while sharing Pietro’s hopes that Wanda is now back for good.

booze and the x-men, you may be my new favourite person in the world. Can't wait to try these out!

Thanks! When you do try out our (totally amazing and delicious) cocktails, just remember the two Golden Rules:

1. Don’t be a dick

2. No matter how drunk you are, always remove your shoes before you remove your jeans. No one wants photos of themselves with their pants around their ankles on facebook.

16. Gambit

Whether anyone will still admit it or not, Gambit was many a young person’s first crush.  Was it because we longed to be called “Ma chère” in a soft Cajun twang?  Did we want to get lost in that smoldering-coal eyed gaze.  Or was it simply because we dreamed of a boyfriend who could make anything explode (ifyouknowwhatimsaying)?

At first it seemed like his extreme sexual potency was to be diminished by Marvel’s new anti-smoking policy (yes, smoking kills, and no, that doesn’t mean it’s any less aesthetically pleasing). Luckily, the day has been saved by his recent decision to help X-23 on her journey to find herself. Badass dudes looking out for young women? Take me now, Remy.

Gambit
Ingredients
1 oz rye whiskey
1 oz Cognac
1 oz sweet vermouth
1 tsp Bénédictine, or other herbal liqueur
2 dashes Peychaud’s bitters
2 dashes Angostura bitters

Mix together in a large glass, over ice. Dilute with soda water if preferred. Drink while trying to work out what, if anything, Gambit’s name has to do with his powers.

15. Colossus

Colossus is a dude who has a lot going for him. For one thing, despite being Russian, writers seldom feel the need to actually “write” his accent, presumably because none of them know what a Russian accent sounds like outside of James Bond films, and Piotr seldom arches an eyebrow and asks, “Mr Bond, are you trying to seduce me?” But wait, there’s more! Piotr’s longest romantic relationship is with a girl who was, for a long time, not only younger than him but legally under-age, and at no point did he tap that. It may be hard to wrap your head around the fact that for superheroes, not sleeping with underage girls is kind of a big deal, but trust us, it kind of is. Just ask Hal “Green Lantern” Jordan. Last, but not least, you can see your own face in his arm, and that’s awesome.

Ultimately, Colossus’ strengths are his… strength, both physically (the dude is made of metal, for fuck’s sake) and emotionally. That’s why we’ve given him a nice strong drink.

Colossus
Ingredients
Vodka
Kahlua

Pour equal parts vodka and kahlua into a shot glass. Slam that shit back like a champion.

For those among you more mindful of your head and/or livers, pour the shot into a short glass and add ice, and cream or milk. Drink while contemplating the fact Colossus is allergic to “anti-metal”, whatever the fuck that is.

14. Doop

Doop… How do I begin to explain Doop? Doop is flawless. Doop speaks in his own language which is understood by everyone except for you. Doop has affairs with both men and women, and a back-up brain in his butt. 

Doop may be super-strong, a super-amazing healer, and capable of storing anything and everything in his extra-dimensional void, but that doesn’t stop him being surprisingly down to earth… sometimes he just likes to kill people with axes, or broken bottles. Doop appreciates the common man, and also dreams of being a private eye.

One time Doop and Wolverine had their own team-up title.

It was awesome.

Doop
Ingredients
Lime jell-o or jelly depending on the local vernacular
Tequila
Hot water

Make up the jell-o in a heat-proof container, following directions on the back of the packets; however, substitute half the quantity of hot water for the tequila. You can then pour the jelly into separate small containers to create “shots”, or into one huge jell-o mould to be fucking awesome. Eat while considering that there is at least one amorphous green blobs out there that are cooler than you.

13. X-23

Being a teenager is never easy, but it’s especially difficult when you’re the female clone of one of the best-known X-Men, trained from birth as an assassin, treated as an outsider by everyone you meet, and always fearing the influence of a certain scent which will send you into a murderous rage!

People who claim that Laura is nothing but an excuse to let homophobic dudes fap to Wolverine may seem to have a point when you consider that despite apparently being a clone of Wolverine, Laura is a) female, b) good-looking and c) entirely lacking in body-hair. But she is also written with surprising sensitivity, with her current title dealing with her coming to terms with her past and slowly learning to make the choices that will make her happy. This just shows that people who judge a character by their origins story are total dicks, and this goes doubly for people projecting their own issues onto teenage girls.

X-23
Ingredients
hard cider
beer (preferably lager)

In a long glass, mix equal parts beer and cider. Drink while considering that sometimes the clone is neither better nor worse, just different.