22. Scarlet Witch
There’s a lot that could be said about Wanda Maximoff. One could talk about the inherent sexism in her portrayal as being too powerful for her own good; compare her to Jean Grey in a “redheads who are maybe dead or alive and possibly possessed who knows” kind of way; the fact that she’s been allowed no relationship with either of her two teenaged sons who aren’t even supposed to exist; her complicated relationships with her father and brother.
Or one could talk about her obvious robosexuality. The lady married an android. No wonder Hawkeye never stood a chance.
Or one could just have a drink.
The Scarlet Witch
2 oz vodka
5 oz soda water or lemonade
1. Pour vodka over ice in a tall glass.
2. Fill the rest of the glass with soda water or lemonade.
3. Add a dash of grenadine syrup.
4. Before drinking, hold your glass in the air and loudly declare “No more hangovers!”
Look, we can’t all have the stunning good looks and vibrant personality of Ryan Reynolds. In fact, most of us don’t. I mean, you can have the abs of Ryan Reynolds, and some of us definitely have the abs of Ryan Reynolds. Most of the time. Some of the time. This one time… in an alternate universe. Look, the point is, when it comes to appearing on the big screen, you want to aim high, you know? You don’t want to be portrayed by that guys with the weird ears. You don’t want people looking at you going “he does make more sense as an sociopathic alien than a sociopathic human, looks-wise.” You want a Hugh Jackman even if he isn’t tall enough, or a Chris Evans even if he’s had more comic book movies than Dr Doom has Doombots. You want the audience too distracted to say, “hey, isn’t he supposed to be covered in hideous, disfiguring scars?”
So yes, OK, I look nothing like Ryan Reynalds, and he sounds nothing like me except for about two minutes before he pulls out a bunch of swords and starts carving up the place. My point is: drink enough of these bad boys and you will think that I look like Ryan Reynalds. Or at least that we have a vague, almost familiar resemblance. We’re both guys, anyway.
I’m going to die alone, aren’t I?
1 can of Red Bull
1 shot of Jagermeister
1. Pour the Red Bull into a glass.
2. Stare out at the fourth wall, wondering if there’s a way to break through it and make them all pay. Or maybe just get to meet Chris Hemsworth who is at least twice as dreamy as the real Thor, by the way.
3. Fill the shot glass with Jagermeister.
4. Refer cryptically to events and people that you’re sure are real and have happened even if no one will ever believe you.
5. Drop the shot glass into the Red Bull.
6. Drink until the little yellow boxes gently float away
Remember that time Scott Summers was a compelling character? No, us neither. Although you certainly can’t argue that Scott isn’t interesting - after all, it’s completely fascinating that a dude so totally lacking in leadership skills and charisma is the de facto leader of the X-Men and has managed to pull arguably the most powerful lady in the Marvel U, and Emma Motherfucking Frost. You could argue that he’s just a self-insert for male writers, but if you were going to write yourself into a comic, why the fuck would you pick this douchenozzle?
The internet tells us Mister Sinister thinks that Cyclops has amazing jeans or something, but they just looks like ordinary X-pants to us.
1. Open fridge
2. Pull out carton of cranberry juice
3. Take gulp straight from carton
4. Seriously, though, why would you want to drink something named after this dude, you need to take a good hard look at yourself and your choices.
We could write something long and hilarious and pointed about Kitty, making reference to being one of Wolverine’s adoptees, her teenage crush on an older dude, the fact that she has an alien dragon as her own wee sidekick, and her sacrifice of her own tangibility in order to save the world, but instead we thought we’d lead with a far more relevant quip from the great She-Hulk:
2 1/2 oz. chilled coffee (black or white as preferred)
1 1/2 oz. whiskey
Mix together coffee and whiskey, and add sugar to taste. Pour over ice in a long glass. For extra decadence, top with whipped cream. Drink until your hand appears to pass through the glass when you reach for it.
If there’s one thing we Marvel fans can be proud of, it’s that Marvel is lightyears ahead of DC when it comes to a genuinely diverse cast of characters, with a large number of well known characters of different genders, races, religions, classes, and sexualities. I mean, OK, the straight white cis-gendered dude Deadpool has about 25 different titles at the moment, and the straight white cis-gendered dude Wolverine has 38, and the most popular solo titles are similarly straight, white, cis-gendered and dudely, and it’s incredibly hard for women characters and characters of colour and queer characters to even get a mini, much less an actual solo ongoing and
you know what shut up and drink your goddamn tea
Dust (traditional Afghan tea)
1 cup milk
2-2.5 whole green cardamom pods
1-2 teaspoons green tea (1-2 tea bags)
1.5-2 teaspoons sugar
1. Gently ‘bruise’ the cardamon by smacking with a rolling pin to open the husk up a little.
2. Place the cardamon, milk & tea bags in a pan & slowly simmer for 5 minutes.
3. Remove from heat, mix in sugar & pour into cups to serve.
4. Dust (lol) the tea with the cinnamon
OR BE A LOSER AND JUST GET GREEN CHAI TEABAGS GOD
This blog is so flawless I can't even stand it.
What can we say? We’re the best at what we do.
Look, if you’d been recruited to the Brotherhood of Evil with your twin sister after she’d accidentally burned down a house, then realised you were actually that evil and joined the Avengers instead, then freaked out when she was shot and joined the Brotherhood again, then realised that Magento was truly evil and left him again, and then your sister kidnapped to another dimension, then joined the Avengers again, then married an elemental manipulator, then found out your sister was in love with a robot, then had a daughter, then found out Magneto was your father the whole time, then found out your wife was in love with someone else, then found out you weren’t actually a speedster after all, then convinced your sister to complete distort reality, then been killed by your own father, then been revived again, then lost your powers, then regained them, then lost them, then regained them, then decided to become a hero, then lost your daughter’s respect, then found out your sister was a doom-bot, then been blackmailed by one of your own students… you’d have issues too, OK?
- 1 1/2 oz. Triple Sec
- 1 1/2 oz. Anisette
- 1 1/2 oz. tequila
Mix all ingredients as quickly as you can then pour over ice into a long thin glass in another dimension. Drink while sharing Pietro’s hopes that Wanda is now back for good.
booze and the x-men, you may be my new favourite person in the world. Can't wait to try these out!
Thanks! When you do try out our (totally amazing and delicious) cocktails, just remember the two Golden Rules:
1. Don’t be a dick
2. No matter how drunk you are, always remove your shoes before you remove your jeans. No one wants photos of themselves with their pants around their ankles on facebook.
Whether anyone will still admit it or not, Gambit was many a young person’s first crush. Was it because we longed to be called “Ma chère” in a soft Cajun twang? Did we want to get lost in that smoldering-coal eyed gaze. Or was it simply because we dreamed of a boyfriend who could make anything explode (ifyouknowwhatimsaying)?
At first it seemed like his extreme sexual potency was to be diminished by Marvel’s new anti-smoking policy (yes, smoking kills, and no, that doesn’t mean it’s any less aesthetically pleasing). Luckily, the day has been saved by his recent decision to help X-23 on her journey to find herself. Badass dudes looking out for young women? Take me now, Remy.
1 oz rye whiskey
1 oz Cognac
1 oz sweet vermouth
1 tsp Bénédictine, or other herbal liqueur
2 dashes Peychaud’s bitters
2 dashes Angostura bitters
Mix together in a large glass, over ice. Dilute with soda water if preferred. Drink while trying to work out what, if anything, Gambit’s name has to do with his powers.
Colossus is a dude who has a lot going for him. For one thing, despite being Russian, writers seldom feel the need to actually “write” his accent, presumably because none of them know what a Russian accent sounds like outside of James Bond films, and Piotr seldom arches an eyebrow and asks, “Mr Bond, are you trying to seduce me?” But wait, there’s more! Piotr’s longest romantic relationship is with a girl who was, for a long time, not only younger than him but legally under-age, and at no point did he tap that. It may be hard to wrap your head around the fact that for superheroes, not sleeping with underage girls is kind of a big deal, but trust us, it kind of is. Just ask Hal “Green Lantern” Jordan. Last, but not least, you can see your own face in his arm, and that’s awesome.
Ultimately, Colossus’ strengths are his… strength, both physically (the dude is made of metal, for fuck’s sake) and emotionally. That’s why we’ve given him a nice strong drink.
Pour equal parts vodka and kahlua into a shot glass. Slam that shit back like a champion.
For those among you more mindful of your head and/or livers, pour the shot into a short glass and add ice, and cream or milk. Drink while contemplating the fact Colossus is allergic to “anti-metal”, whatever the fuck that is.